Money is such a personal thing to speak about. So often, it can believed to be a defining of who we are, of our entire worth. It could be considered a tangible emotion. Meaning that it is at times through how we spend, can be an emotional barometer.
Money has always been hard for me to handle. It is an area where I often feel lacking. And if I am to truthful, ashamed. I have years of awful decisions left in my wake. These decisions continue to impact my life today.
In my obstance and immaturity I chose badly again and again. My parents tried to teach me about money and budgeting. As a teen I was responsible for putting gas in my car and the insurance payment. But every paycheck I got, I spent it.
A trend that continued through most of my adulthood. I incurred debt, paid off smaller debts and incurred more. I didn’t plan ahead, not really.
Looking back,I think that I didn’t value money because I didn’t value myself. This can also tie into my relationship with food. I didn’t value the life I was given, so in turn I made choices that showed that. Seeking out the instant gratification.
I feared judgement from others, In not measuring up to others. My assumption was that everyone one else around me had it altogether. Which just shows how much a facade anyone can project. What’s more is these judgements came from myself. It is easy to do so.
Money is not just a means to an end. It is more than just a tool. It represents my heart. What I long and hope for in this life. And it’s not mine, as with anything in this world it belongs to God.
How I handle it is a form of worship. This is something God has shown me again and again. In the struggle, God has shown me again and again that it is He that provides and those things are greater than money. It can be a struggle, one that I have gotten better with.
As with anything, this is a learning process. One step forward and a few steps back. A trip and a stumble here and there. But I keep going because living in debt is no way to live. One day I hope to be able to say, I’m debt free.