I am a recovering binge eater. There was a time when food was my primary relationship. It really was. It was was not just mindless eating. At least for me it wasn’t. I have touched on this in a previous post.
Today I want to talk about how far I have come. My relationship with food will always be complicated. These days, it is in a good place. When I was in the midst of losing weight, counting calories was a huge part of my life. This continued once I reached my weight goal, or what I believed to be my goal. More on this in another post.
My attitude towards food began to change because God intervened. That is the truth. I longed for change, to be released from this desire for food. God used the circumstances of my life to do it. When I lost my job and had little money for food, I had to choose my food carefully. It had to last and in turn it had to be healthy. There was no option to be able to binge eat. That was God right there. Here is a post I
That was five years ago. Yesterday it struck me as I was grocery shopping how far I have come. I was hungry as I shopped. One of the worst things to ever do! However, I bought what I needed and was excited to buy fruits and vegetables.
I have learned that it is alright to be excited about food. To look forward to eating and enjoying food. When I was binge eating, I was trying to fill a God sized hole within myself. After I lost weight I was afraid of enjoying what I ate. Fearing that by doing so I would fall back into bad habits.
This lead to a period of seeing food as a necessary evil. I feared straying over my daily caloric intake, obsessing over how many calories I burned with each work out. That somehow if I was not as strict I would wake up the next day fat. In fact I felt like I thought more about food than during my worst binges. For my mental and physical health I had to find a balance. Something that is easier said than done. For a time I had to stop tracking my calories.
Eating is not a utilitarian endeavor though. I have taste buds that need to teased and tantalized. It is ok to look forward to a meal and enjoy eating it. These days I am up and down. The difference is I allow for grace. No longer do I think through all I ate that day. Or chastise myself for a poor choice.
From time to time I use My Fitness Pal to help track where I am at but it is no longer gospel to me.
Food will always be in my life, it is necessary to eat. Today, I eat to fuel my body while enjoying it.