I have lost my sense of urgency with being healthy. For months now something has not been quite right. Yes I have continued to work out but not as hard, not pushing myself as I once did. As for how I eat, the majority has been my usual healthy choices but with a bit more of the not so healthy mixed in. Excusing my weight gain as natural. That it had been three years since I began this health journey and it was simply just fine.
But it isn’t. This past fall my family went through a fairly stressful period. I can not go into details because I want to protect their privacy and it is not my story to tell. I underestimated just how much all of it was affecting me. I turned to my old freniemy, food. Though I must say, I did see how far I have come with my binge eating. This time it was limited to deserts. Having two helpings of frozen yogurt instead of the one.
I knew what I was doing, I understood the choices I was making could undermine everything I had worked so hard towards. I was in denial. Even after having to purchase new pants a size larger and seeing what the scale was telling me. I still could not place why I had become complacent.
What I began to realize was that I had lost most of all the sense of urgency I had at the start of my journey. I recall pushing myself to run harder, faster because I was trying to save my life. It was not about being pretty or well thought of, but to live my life well. Somewhere along the way I forgot that. I can not replicate my life in those days, and I have tried but going backwards does no good.
That time for me was rather magical. It was special and I will always treasure that experience but I must also let it go. I must let it go in order to move forward. Losing weight and maintaining is just as much a mental exercise as well as physical. My body knows what to do. I know what my body is capable of doing. It is a matter of having the motivation. I do need accountability, I need to let people know of my struggle to continue onwards. Accountability and encouragement were and are key in this journey. Another thing I had forgotten.
Right now my biggest motivation is not to become the fat girl again. I said goodbye to her three years and she is not welcome back. Perhaps that is the start of regaining that sense of urgency. Fear, healthy fear of undoing all I have worked towards.
I will not give up. I will continue to strive towards living a well rounded, healthy life. I hope to run another half marathon by next year ( financially permitting) and to maintain a healthy weight in order to live this life well. I am starting to feel motivated once again.